| Attorney Jokes
A attorney was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.
"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous attorney. "No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.
"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the attorney. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."
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A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
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A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."
The lawyer smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
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A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
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A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."
When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
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A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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Three partners of a firm were attending a convention out of town. As the plane carried them to their destination, one of the partners gulped and told the second partner, "Oh my gosh, I forgot to lock the safe."
The third partner said, "There's nothing to worry about. All three of us are here!"
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A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. The lawyer called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a retraction.
The next day, the following notice appeared: "We regret that the report of Attorney Smith's death was in error."
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Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig just won’t do.
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